When Life Gives You Rape-Sperm, Make Rape-Spermonade

I was relieved to find out yesterday that my uterus has magical sperm killing properties that kick in after a rape. According to Todd Akin of Missouri, the Republican candidate for the Missouri senate race:  “If it’s a legitimate rape, the female body has ways to try to shut that whole thing down.”


Poor Mr. Akin was duped into discussing his absolute opposition to abortion, even in the case of rape or incest and everyone has taken his statements way out of context. As a doctor, which he is not, Todd Akin was careful to reassure the public that pregnancy from a rape “is really rare” because of the way our lady bits are biologically designed to go all super-hero-rage-monster when a va-jay-jay violation occurs.

I would imagine this is a huge relief to all of the women out there who were forced to give birth to their “rapist’s” babies because when Akin’s statement is followed out to it’s necessary logical conclusion, every sexual encounter that results in pregnancy is ipso facto consensual.

“If I had known my rape wasn’t legitimate, I wouldn’t have started cutting myself, or attempted suicide on multiple occasions. Thank you, Todd Akin.”

It’s kind of complicated, but the short of it is- babies happen when a mommy and a daddy plant a diamond in a cabbage patch and make a wish on a star. Then the elves take the diamond and wish and put it in the mommy’s tummy where it turns into a baby. No one being legitimately raped has time for all that.

Sometimes we ladies might think it’s rape, y’know because our brains and mouths are saying “NO,” but our reproductive organs know whats what, and it can’t really be called rape if your vagina and uterus go along with it.

Some of you out there might be concerned that this new line of thinking makes women accomplices in their own assaults, and that by categorizing sexual assaults as either “legitimate” or “illegitimate” Mr. Akin is actually expressing a new world view that distinguishes between a complete stranger attacking you in the park, and say, the woman “raped” by her husband (remember, it’s not “rape” when you’re married.) Don’t fret, there is nothing new about this way of thinking.

Todd Akin wants to show you how your vagina works.

Of course the hate-mongering, gotcha question asking Democrats wouldn’t let the issue go and totally blew his statements out of proportion, which is why Akin was forced to go on Mike Huckabee’s show this morning and explain his choice of words.

I remember September 11th, the rescue workers running into the buildings that’s about to collapse, grab somebody in a wheelchair, pick em up – they don’t check their IDs to see whether they’re important or not  – they just take them to safety and run back for more. They by their lives speak as Americans of what we think about the value of human beings and how much respect we hold people with and also people who’ve been victimized, how we hurt with them and try to care for them and try to love them. And that’s the very special thing about our country. That’s what we have at risk right now. And that’s what – we have to defend that.

Ladies, you can all calm down now, this has nothing to do with science, or actual rape statistics, Todd Akin is just trying to prevent another 9/11 up inside your lady bits.

“Abortions mean the terror-rapists win.” Todd Akin, probably

32 responses to “When Life Gives You Rape-Sperm, Make Rape-Spermonade

  1. This post is definitely legit. :)

  2. I’m your biggest fan, Nora.

  3. I do believe you nailed that one…

  4. I think this article is atrocious. I’m confident that he misspoke. I’ve typed “their” before and meant “there”. It happens. In fact, I wrote a text message the other day that said “dicks” and I meant “ducks”. Swype was at fault in that case, but the point is it happens. He speaks day in and day out to media/on-air – everyone will eventually stumble words and misspeak. Obama once referred to Hawaii as “Asia”, and remember when he said his 129 in bowling was “like special olympics”. It happens. It happened to Bush (“strategery”), Clinton (I did not have sexual relations with that woman…remember…when he perjured himself???), Obama, and ever politician before and after. Amazing how trivial something is, and then is glorified by the media. I hope people that read this aren’t as easily succumbed to ridiculousness/triviality/etc, as the person who wrote this is.

    • Thank you for the feedback! To clarify on two of your points, 1) Bush never actually said, “Strategery.” That was a bit Will Ferrell did on SNL; and, 2) Bill Clinton’s “I did not have sexual relations with that woman” wasn’t so much a misspeak as it was an out right lie.

      Thanks for reading!

      • Common Sense

        Hahaha – you’re right – but with Bush, there were just too many to pick to choose just one (so i chose one that was fake, apparently). and you’re right again, clinton’s was an outright lie, but nevertheless, i’m sure after he said it he thought “crap, i just misspoke”…as that phrase became embedded in our culture for a generation.

      • Well, there’s misspeaking (which does happen,) and then there’s not understanding the words you’re saying…perhaps “legitimate rape” was not the phrase he intended to use, but that isn’t the end of the problem here. Akin claims he received this information from a doctor which carries the issue further than just a simple “their/there” mistake. Couple that with the underlying implication that in some cases women want to be raped, and it’s clear that this isn’t just a simple “misspeak.”

        But to be clear here, had some one like Barbara Boxer or even the President made a statement like this, I would be just as furious.

  5. I think “legitimate rape” was a misspeak, i believe the rest was him trying to cover his misspeaking, which clearly (from the 100s of articles) didn’t work out well. I think the implication that women want to be raped is just a complete fabrication of the media; there is no one that stupid, especially (or even) in politics, that would ever imply something of that nature and intend it. really think about that. someone trying to get votes…no one would ever intend to imply women want to be raped, or babies deserved to be shaken, etc…it could be inferred through the other articles speculating on his misspeakings, but i find that the most outrageous part…

    And to your follow-up, so i assume then when obama made his misspeakings about the special olympics, you wrote an article? If not, why not? Because the media didn’t sensationalize it to the same level? What if I perceived it to mean Obama implied mentally handicapped individual were a drain on society who clearly need bowling lessons???

    • I agree that the phrase “legitimate rape” was a horrible misspeak on the part of Mr. Akin. However, since one of his goals for appearing on the program where he uttered these now infamous words was to soften his public image with regard to his stance on abortion (specifically, his view that abortion is wrong in every case, including rape and incest,) and because he has a long public record of supporting legislation than is harmful to the reproductive health of women, it is easy to extrapolate that he does not hold women in high regard.

      With respect to the Obama Special Olympics comment which occurred in March of 2009- Sadly, I no longer have my day planner history for that month (or even year,) so I can’t tell you for sure what I was doing when it happened, but since I wasn’t writing articles like this in 2009, your assumption that I wrote an article on the subject would be incorrect. I do know that I had finished college the year before and was working as a paralegal for a small family law practice. My writing was limited to drafting pleadings and settlement agreements and maintaining a short, weird fiction blog called “My Brain World,” archives of which can be found here: http://www.norarallen.blogspot.com/

      If you want to interpret Obama’s statement to mean that mentally handicapped individuals are a drain on society and in need of bowling lessons, I’ll not stop you. You are certainly entitled to your perceptions and opinions. Though in perceiving his statement as such, I find it odd that the president would single out those with mental handicaps for bowling lessons and not include the physically handicapped as well. I would imagine that a quadriplegic for example would need extensive lessons in simply lifting the ball, never mind bowling a perfect score.

  6. These iPinion Women Are Something Else!! Incredible Writing Nora!!!

  7. Pingback: Jeff Danziger: Todd Akin and Legitimate Rape | WestPenn Journal

  8. Are you serious, Common Sense? Thinking human vaginas can terminate a pregnancy like a rabbit’s is the issue here, not how he worded this idiotic theory.

  9. Pingback: Rep. Todd Akin – The Fucktard From Missouri « Wine…Cheaper Than Therapy

  10. I’ve been directed to so many brilliant articles since my own post on this asshat’s comments. This is one of my favorites.
    The 9/11 analogy made me want to punch a unicorn.

  11. I think maybe Akins was confused because whenever he performs forcible intercourse the goats never get preggers.

  12. Pingback: I Misspoke—What I Meant To Say Is ‘I Am Dumb As Dog Shit And I Am A Terrible Human Being’ | The Onion – America’s Finest News Source « Ye Olde Soapbox

  13. Very interestiing how Mike Huckabee is working with the senator to smooth things up. Sure, Akins apologies several times for his mistake, but what was the mistake in his eyes? To think someone raped couldn’t get pregnant, apparently. But the end of the conversation where he explicitly says that the pro-life view on fetuses is the reason the rescue workers on 9/11 didn’t just save “important people”? that’s not even up for discussion is it?

    • The real problem with this mistake is the underlying sentiment of the current GOP with regards to a woman’s right to choose; that’s why the GOP is working so hard right now to distance themselves from this problem. Since the early 80’s the conservative party’s view on abortion has been something along the lines of, “We support a human life amendment to the Constitution and we endorse legislation to make clear that the Fourteenth Amendment’s protections apply to unborn children.”

      We have a potential vice president in the running right now (Sen. Paul Ryan-R) who worked with Todd Akin to co-sponsor a bill that would have defined life as beginning at conception. Moreover, these two men have voted in lockstep on abortion issues since 2001. The only difference between the two when it comes to abortion seems to be that Ryan would favor abortion only in cases where the life of the mother is at risk, whereas Akin believes there are no exceptions. To be very clear, both of these men believe that for example, if a 12 year old girl is raped by her father and becomes pregnant, she should be made to carry that baby to term; both of these men believe that victims of rape and incest should be forced to carry it to term.

      As darkly funny as Akin’s mistake was, I’m not too concerned about the man who believes that human reproduction is controlled by magical properties. Akin’s view on the subject is colored by his profound ignorance of basic middle school biology. However he phrases it, he clearly believes that biology kicks in when rape and incest occur, so needing an abortion in these cases is a non-issues.

      On the other hand, we have Paul Ryan who knows exactly how a baby is made ans still wishes to force a 12 year old to bear her rapist’s baby.

      Personally, I’d like us to start shifting this conversation to Paul Ryan.

      • Absolutely. His ignorance of biology is the small problem. But his statement is pretty horrifying since it reveals a very cold view on rape victims. Apparently a lot of men find it really hard to understand that sex can be painful and unpleasant. Perhaps because they have only had sex when they wanted to and have been let off when they din’t (or couldn’t- if we talk about penetration)
        However- the view on pro-life as the very reason for a humanism that americans in no way are alone of, is really serious. in a lot of places, free abortion is viewed as the humane alternative since the focus is set on the living woman instead of the foetus. That’s why I found the end of the interview especially disturbing.

  14. Freakin’ genius! Thank you, this is awesome!

  15. Great article.

  16. Pingback: For the last time–get your paws away from my lady parts! « Ruminations of a Red Dirt Hussy

  17. Whenever I want to read something smart, sarcastic, sardonic, and/or just plain funny I come to you. Your posts are wonderfully written, having intelligent content and a seamless flow. I greatly admire and am exceedingly jealous of your seemingly easy writing style. Keep up the good work :)

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