I was relieved to find out yesterday that my uterus has magical sperm killing properties that kick in after a rape. According to Todd Akin of Missouri, the Republican candidate for the Missouri senate race: “If it’s a legitimate rape, the female body has ways to try to shut that whole thing down.”
Poor Mr. Akin was duped into discussing his absolute opposition to abortion, even in the case of rape or incest and everyone has taken his statements way out of context. As a doctor, which he is not, Todd Akin was careful to reassure the public that pregnancy from a rape “is really rare” because of the way our lady bits are biologically designed to go all super-hero-rage-monster when a va-jay-jay violation occurs.
I would imagine this is a huge relief to all of the women out there who were forced to give birth to their “rapist’s” babies because when Akin’s statement is followed out to it’s necessary logical conclusion, every sexual encounter that results in pregnancy is ipso facto consensual.
It’s kind of complicated, but the short of it is- babies happen when a mommy and a daddy plant a diamond in a cabbage patch and make a wish on a star. Then the elves take the diamond and wish and put it in the mommy’s tummy where it turns into a baby. No one being legitimately raped has time for all that.
Sometimes we ladies might think it’s rape, y’know because our brains and mouths are saying “NO,” but our reproductive organs know whats what, and it can’t really be called rape if your vagina and uterus go along with it.
Some of you out there might be concerned that this new line of thinking makes women accomplices in their own assaults, and that by categorizing sexual assaults as either “legitimate” or “illegitimate” Mr. Akin is actually expressing a new world view that distinguishes between a complete stranger attacking you in the park, and say, the woman “raped” by her husband (remember, it’s not “rape” when you’re married.) Don’t fret, there is nothing new about this way of thinking.
Of course the hate-mongering, gotcha question asking Democrats wouldn’t let the issue go and totally blew his statements out of proportion, which is why Akin was forced to go on Mike Huckabee’s show this morning and explain his choice of words.
I remember September 11th, the rescue workers running into the buildings that’s about to collapse, grab somebody in a wheelchair, pick em up – they don’t check their IDs to see whether they’re important or not – they just take them to safety and run back for more. They by their lives speak as Americans of what we think about the value of human beings and how much respect we hold people with and also people who’ve been victimized, how we hurt with them and try to care for them and try to love them. And that’s the very special thing about our country. That’s what we have at risk right now. And that’s what – we have to defend that.