I’m Getting Very Tired Of Not Having An Elephant

Being a writer is hard. When you’re growing up, and you tell the adults around you that you want to be a writer, they sigh and say very practical things like, “It’s very hard to get published,” or, “Most writers struggle and never get published,” or, “You know, not everyone can be [insert famous author here],” or, “Well, you’re competent, but I’m not sure you really have what it takes. Besides, you can’t do much with an English degree these days.” These are all valid points, to be sure, but they do nothing to address problems you face when you actually sit down to write something.

Problems like, “What do all these keys do?”

Nobody ever says to the young writer, “Being a writer means sitting alone with all of your weird thoughts for long periods of time, trying to write them down.”

I think weird thoughts all the time, like “I’m getting tired of not having an elephant,” and, “Life is like a yoga pants camel toe. When it’s you, it’s embarrassing, but on anyone else, it’s gross and hilarious.” But these brief thoughts and ideas are better suited to my 140 character limit twitter feed, since it’s only a very specific (and creepy) audience that wants to read my further thoughts in essay form on camel toes and life.

This is a metaphor for life.

Here is what’s going on in my brain right now:

I should write about Romney, but everyone is writing about Romney. What am I going to say about Romney that hasn’t already been said? Okay, how about the War on Women? God, no. I’m going to need at least another month before I write about that. My vagina is exhausted just thinking about that subject. Okay, cool, so write about exhausted vaginas, like maybe that Kate woman with all those kids from that reality show or the Kardashians. No wait, my mom reads this. I can’t write about exhausted vaginas…

Great. Now I’m thinking about Tara Reid.

I wonder if I asked nicely, would Kristen Bell have a slumber party with me?

I’m still not over the CW cancelling Veronica Mars.

I’d probably have to get her a baby sloth if I wanted her to come to a sleepover at my house. Where would I even get a baby sloth? I should google that…

Ebay is like, zero help right now.

Maybe the National Zoo would loan one out for the right price. I mean, America could use the money from renting out Zoo animals to help cover the deficit, right? I don’t know how that works, but I bet if I figured out a way to fix the deficit with animals from the National Zoo, Kristen Bell would totally be my BFF…

Let’s make this happen.

NO! Stop trying to figure out ways to be BFF with Kristen Bell and write about Romney!


Okay…Romney…Romney…R-O-M-N-E-Y…Romney Robot, Romney Raccoon, Who Framed Romney Rabbit… Focus Nora. Romney…etch-a-sketches…Mr. Potato Head…

Super squirrel

Newt Gingrich is a dough boy…why isn’t there a gross sexual fluid named after Newt Gingrich like there is for Rick Santorum? That could be a column, right? What kind of gross sexual fluid should we name after Newt Gingrich? Would it even have the same catchy ring as “Santorum?” Rick Santorum has TOTALLY done butt stuff with another guy…I bet the reason Santorum hates gay sex so much is because he’s only ever had bad gay sex…no one who’s ever had good sex hates it that much…

Jedi squirrels

I wonder what kind of pizza Kristen Bell likes…

How do you not love Kristen Bell?

The last six hours have been like this.

I love writing, but do you have any idea how hard it is to come up with something new several times every week? Not just new, original too. More often than not, I end up staring at a blank computer screen, quietly cursing its inability to just write the damn thing for me. (It literally took me six hours of staring at a blank screen to write everything you’ve just read.)

Maybe I should try using child labor?

I’m going to keep thinking weird thoughts, and staring at my screen. Who knows, maybe this time next week I’ll have figured out how to be BFF’s with Kristen Bell.

Kristen Bell is pretty awesome.

A different version of this article appeared in the iPinion Syndicate on April 29, 2012. I apologize for polishing up an older piece, but I’m in the middle of moving across the country [AGAIN] and don’t have a whole lot of time to write this week.

15 responses to “I’m Getting Very Tired Of Not Having An Elephant

  1. Good luck with your move, and it was a joy to read this :)

  2. you…..you are my favorite.

  3. Is it too grown-up to say that even baby elelphants come with big shovels?

  4. I totally relate…random, incessant thoughts. I have them, though they may bizarre to others, I feel the need to share them. Not saying yours are bizarre, I think they are pretty awesome!


    I totally understand. Good luck with the move.

  6. Who the hell is Kristen Bell?????

    You can borrow my elephant.

  7. Now I know why I like you so much. You think like me, though maybe with more emphasis on squirrels and Kristen Bell (my mind just went Kristen Bell – Christian Bale…hmm Batman. How cool would it be to own the Batmobile?) It takes me forever to write stuff, especially if I’m not feeling all that creative and I just zone out for a while. Love this post, I laughed so hard.

    • I had just re-watched the entirety of Veronica Mars when I wrote this and had Kristen Bell on the brain. Actually, this piece evolved out of a writing exercise/technique a former professor used to suggest for writer’s block :)

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